A Little Stumble

 

Pain and me are not great friends, we aren’t even close acquaintances. I was just never any good coping with any small niggle. So much so it’s become a bit of a running joke among my family and friends. My Ma has stated numerous times that she wants to be nowhere near me if I ever go into labour. One of my colleague’s still skits me over having to get a plaster (or gauze as she claims) for a papercut. In my defence, it was quite a deep cut, wouldn’t stop bleeding and really really sore! So I was quite relived to be starting this week out pain free. My mood was definitely up heading into the Women’s Fitness Gym. I had arranged to have my personal training session on Monday after work, and I was looking forward to getting in and having Denise push me beyond my own expectations.

 

Off we went to the personal training centre in the second building and got stuck in. We did a number of the different exercises using a barbell with 7.5 kg on each side and one with 5kg on each side. As well as two 6kg dumbbells. And a 12kg kettlebell. I did some bench presses, overhead presses, deadlifts, lunges, and the others that I just can’t remember. It is like as soon as I come out I completely forget what I have done. It was tough but I pushed through and did all of my reps. Though I did struggle near the end of the sets. The last one was with the kettlebell I thought was the toughest. But I did it. I was on bit of a high afterwards. My God, the sweat coming out me was unreal. Drenched was definitely an understatement.

 

The following day I was only slightly sore in my shoulders and arms. I was feeling on top of the world. I felt like I could take on anything. It was also the first back at Yoga tonight and I was looking forward to going with one of my besties, D. The class was packed and as there was a lot of new people in the class, so it was mostly back to basics. But with the stiffness, I was glad of the slower pace. Though there were a few moments of strain and pain, on the whole, I really enjoyed it. Plus the banter in the car with D is always good.

 

I woke about 5am on Wednesday in absolute agony. My entire upper body was on fire. I couldn’t straighten my arms or even move them too much. Washing and dressing myself was pure torture. I was very glad that my commute is shared with Pierre, if I wasn’t I probably wouldn’t have made it out of the driveway. I would just be there sitting, in the car, crying my eyes out. And it didn’t get any easier when I got into work. I had to re-arrange my whole desk. Judi thought my constant complaints and noises were very funny. The further the day went on the more I dreaded having to go to boot camp that evening. If simply moving the mouse was painful, what the hell were burpies gonna be like! My mood was a stark contrast to the day before. I was so happy and bubbly yesterday. Raving at D about how good I felt. Now, I was trying my best not burst out crying from simply lifting my mug to drink my green tea (which to be honest I don’t really like, but have to have two a day!). I was not enjoying this. I had a nice chat with Bitchmitten’s Emily and that pepped me up a bit. But it wasn’t to last with the constant pain. Simply standing with my hand hanging was unbelievable sore. Pockets were my friend when I was walking. I decided that boot camp was not going to be feasible with me in this condition. Instead, I took a hot bath with an ass load of my homemade lavender epsom salts. Lying in the bath was the first time I was pain free, it was lovely. I’m not really a bath person. I much prefer showers. Normally I need to be do a crossword in a bath otherwise I’m just bored and am in and out in a couple minutes. My brain always seems to need some sort of stimulation. It’s a frikin’ pain. But I stayed for about 45 minutes. I sat down after I got out and let out a sigh of relief at being pain free. It was short lived. After ten minutes out of the bath I could feel my whole upper body stiffen up, and the pain came back just as much as before.

 

The following day again brought no relief. My mood was very poor. I felt like someone had turned the lights out on me. I was a poor reflection of the woman that was here two days previous. I was very upset. In the morning, trying to get out to work, I never even thought to bring my lunch or my snacks. By the time lunch had arrived, I was so down. I turned to my old habits of comfort eating. Now in saying that, I did not eat an entire mountain of chocolate. I didn’t even eat any chocolate. I ate nothing sweet (which actually amazed me.) I decided that I was gonna have a little cheat treat and go order my favourite lunch, Sizzling prawns. So yummy, but so not what the food plan says. They are the most amazing prawns ever. And they do actually come out sizzling in hot chilli oil with a nice fresh side salad and lovely crispy chips. While it didn’t take away the pain, it did do something to lift my mood.

 

Work went on with me moaning and groaning, poor Judi having to listen to me. When I got home, I was just so exhausted, so drained of energy. I could not face having to get in the car again in an hour and drive to the gym for a Pilates class. I couldn’t think of the pain I would be in. I was still so very sore. I was scared of the pain but I was also scared to go to the class and not be able to do it. Afraid to show myself up. I knew the Pilates would probably beneficial for my current state but the fear was tightening its hold upon me.

 

I could tell you that I overcame the fear and went and did it anyway and felt so good to do it. But I’d be lying. And there be no benefit for me in doing this blog, if wasn’t going to be honest with you. I let fear win that day. I tried to justify to myself, oh the pain, I wouldn’t be able for it. It would be better if I just had another soak. That on Saturday I would get back on track with my training and push through. Instead of going, I busied myself with my food prepping for the week to come. Before having another soak, this doubling the amount of salts (probably more tripled, I just tipped about a third of litre in.) I don’t regret not going. I know there will be a lot more pain and hopefully with each week my body will get better at recovering from this. But pain and me are never going to be friends. I can’t guarantee that fear won’t freeze me again. But I am still determined to continue. I am not quitting. I am going to keep powering through.

Weight: 12st 11.2 lbs

Run: 0km (I know I am just so bad. I really need to get out running, that 5k is coming up soon!)

Feelings: The sheer agony of it all. Really wanted to spend the week curled up in a ball crying.